search in order to find

Hello dear people, going into the world all by myself never scared me at all. Many people have called me courageous and envied my ‘freedom’. But I knew that I was not that courageous and not that free. Not really. 

I crossed oceans in ‘search’ (I never really like to use this term) of a deeper meaning of my life. In pursuit of more happiness and joy, more love and belonging.

Some people told me that ‘everything I was looking for, was already inside of me’. Secondhand wisdom that came from some guru. Apparently it worked for them at that moment and was enough to life a fulfilled and joyous life. I couldn’t find the true meaning of this sentence for me. 
I didn’t see it. I didn’t feel it and I couldn’t touch it. For me it seemed incomplete and a sounded like a platitude. It felt a bit like when I was 8, clueless and having sleepless nights, wondering why 10-7=3 and why not 7-10=3. 

So I had to go search, in order to find. 

I found a wide wide river with a very strong current. It’s brackish water full of fears (especially the one of being rejected), destructive habits like perfectionism and procrastination blended with the necessary doses of vulnerability. I found a mixture between the sweet and the salt, streaming in between what I feel deep inside and how I express that into the world. I found that I was always afraid of drowning before even really trying. Afraid of sinking in the mud, having my skin ripped by rocks while crossing waters as dark as the Styx and as wide as the Amazon.
Therefore I hid myself in the bushes on the riverbank. Peeking, spying, and imagining what the world was like on the other side. Once in a while, sunbathing in my own comfort-zone. Not willing to dive into the cold water. I found that I was too afraid of the current, which would bring me somewhere else than the expected, hoped for outcome.. 

Let’s say in non-metaphorical ways, that even though I was ‘living the live of everybody’s dreams’ - I was scared as shit to be rejected, or not ‘work out’ in all sorts of ways. I wasn’t expressing myself. Not my joys, not my sorrows. Not online, not offline. Yes, sometimes but not as often as I felt that I wanted to. Only when I was really really sure it was safe to do it, I wrote something online (or declared my love in a disastrous ways, way too late and usually out of the blue). This made it really difficult to actually live, love and earn money. For everyone who has always been wondering ‘how the hack can this girl afford all of these travels?’ (I have had these questions too along the way). But luck has always been on my side, I did it with just about enough assignments and generosity of everybody who helped me on this journey. 

I have definitely known joyous moments and succeses, and I won’t say that I was big time depressed but man oh mannn, getting over yourself and doing the work is not easy at all. 

Yes everything we are looking for might be inside of us, but if we can’t get it out into the bright sunlight, it can get pretty dark in there. I feel true courage and freedom is about giving expression to all what is inside. The ‘search’ is about crossing barriers and beat the monsters in order to find the tools that we need to transform the fear of rejection into a source of joy. Which now I can say, has everything to do, with learning to trust myself (thank you Joseph Scorselo - look at his website) and feel worthy of existence.

So for me the time has come to take the plunge. This means that I will write about the stirrings of my heart, mind and soul on a weekly basis (aaaaaaahhh) . If you enjoy reading these post of mine, please hold me accountable, I have been a severe procrastinator. If you would like to share them, go your gang ;) and if you would like to be on the mailinglist.. even better because maybe I won’t share all the juicy details here.

In case you are also hiding from your true self and haven’t expressed yourself in a way that was in alignment with your feelings, I hope this post encourages you to get your bathing suit ready! If you need some help to bring some clarity in your muddy waters, you can contact me for a coaching session (with or without photos). Thank you for reading <3

photo of me by Nuri Golightly

Using Format